Life in the slow lane

That's how I see my life now....I ain't in a hurry to get anywhere, no rush to to prove anything to anyone. I look at it this way....I have a problem with my heart, my blood pressure is only on a sane level because of pills, I have a degenerative disease of the kidneys (membranous glaucomic nephritis, or something like that) I ain't going to make old bones, the prognosis was 5 to 15 years, and that was a few ago now, when I had the heart attack and had zillions of tests.

So exactly what do we care about in life? I care about my children....they're all big enough to take care of themselves now, but I still worry about them, does that ever stop? It's funny really, you get to a point when they're growing up where you think that one day they'll be gone, and you start to think of what you can do with the house with all that extra room, I'm not quite at that point with Sam and Meg yet, and I admit I'm not looking forward to their departure, whether that's the normal reaction I don't know, or if it's a hangover from a lot of years of guilt for what I didn't do back when....

I care about the ones who are already grown, I care about my son Gary and my grandsons, Edward and Alfie, and wonder if there will be a little girl to finish my son's family collection, his sister Dawn has Max and Jessica Jean, and remains an enigma to me.

And that is looking back while living, I do things, feel things....and look back, there are a few regrets, and a few things I doubt if I will ever come to terms with....but the whole point of what I went through from July 1986 until March 1988 was to be able to live my life without repeating the mistakes from the past. I've brought Sam and Megan up free from the bigotry and misery that I endured as a child, they haven't had to live the way I had to as a child, I've broken the chain that ties one generation to the preceding one. From what I've seen and heard, both Gary and Dawn were brought up with the same care, something I couldn't have done without the reasons I had for the regret that led me to find my way to where and what I am now, so now their children can be allowed to grow yet another generation away from the yesterdays, and then their looking back will be on fond memories, not the horrors that my brother and I remember.

So I'm living life and taking it as it comes, looking back while living, and enjoying my life in a way I never dreamed was possible, it's not perfect...but then, who's is?

Sunny Days

Well, the nice weather seems to have hit us early, so I've been making the most of it, catching up with the washing after having the washing machine out of action for over 7 weeks,waiting for parts to come from Beko in Turkey.....listen, really, don't buy Beko! Trying to catch up with the gardening as well, lawns are cut, and me and my daughter Megan had a great day today out there sorting out one of the beds and tidying up, she worked like a beaver!

It took me back to a summer a long time ago, 1976, and my efforts to be a gardner, while taking advice from a vegetarian, I was too easily impressed back then! My poor wife put up with a lot, but drew the line at eating some of the muck I served up, (just don't offer her any home made baked beans....or anything with tofu!) I think the only edible thing I ever cooked for her was fried rice....a long way from the food I cook now.

The best garden I've managed to achieve so far was at Westbury, we had that looking beautiful by the time we moved, but by the time this summer is through I intend to have this one the best yet, with greenhouse and chickens, and we seem to have decided to take root this time, I'm getting too long in the tooth for the endless moving around.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you start doing a thing, and find you get sidetracked, happens to me a lot, short attention span maybe, easily distracted a teacher might write, lacks focus, sometimes people get in your way intentionally, sometimes it's just shit happpens, and there's not much you can do about it.

Sometimes, you wonder if the whole universe is against you when you're trying to do or achieve something.

Sometimes you do a thing with the best intentions, and the most innocent of motives and spark off a mass exodus.


Sometimes you just have to smile.